My Lessons from 2020
2020 was a lot. A lot of challenges, a lot of frustrations and a lot of emotions. With that comes a lot of learning. I don’t think we will fully process 2020 until we are blessed with some distance, but here is my list of things I learned last year. Some you may agree with, some might make you angry and some might have been obvious to you since the Reagan Administration, but this is what I learned in the longest year ever.
Leadership is hard. Like super hard, and requires you to do super hard things. Yet, leaders have responsibility, it's the path they have chosen. Leaders can make mistakes but mistakes aren’t such if intentional or uniformed. So leaders, you are in a tough spot. That means leading well, communicating clearly, and inspiring others is more important than ever before.
It’s easy to justify our actions and judge others for theirs; perhaps easier than I have ever realized. One way to intentionally fight this justification effect is to let go of the buts. What do I mean by this? Well if someone says they are sorry “but…” does that apology seem sincere? Not usually. If we want to fight this perspective that justifies our own wrongdoing we need to stop adding the “buts.” Apologize and just admit you were wrong, without the but. Call out wrong doing without creating unfair and unproductive comparisons that include “buts.” Stop making excuses by adding the but. If you can’t say your piece without the “but” you are likely not ready to share your thoughts just yet.
Fear might just be the most powerful emotion there is.
Mental health is incredibly important. We have still not learned to treat it as important as physical health.
Rules and regulations don’t motivate people nearly as well as a clear description of what winning looks like. However, leaders who are able to paint that picture in the face of uncertainty are harder to come by than I realized. I always knew folks like Winston Churchill were rare breeds, I did not realize how rare.
There is immense value in knowing how to pivot. Like leadership, pivots are harder than they may at first appear. It is easy to get stuck focusing on the way you have always done it, maybe even justifiable to do so. But, if we can learn to pivot in our goals and in our lives we can maintain momentum much better.
Facts don’t change people’s minds. (https://jamesclear.com/why-facts-dont-change-minds) As a result it’s probably wise to choose your arguments carefully. Your facts won’t likely change someone else’s position. So before you engage, what’s the point of contradicting someone or arguing with someone? If you are trying to win there’s a good chance you won’t convince them you are right with your facts and graphs and charts. If you want them to change their mindset, facts again are likely to fail you. If you really want to believe people can change their perspective, you need to encourage them to consider a different point of view, not a different set of facts.
When you share your opinion on every topic, you are probably OK with losing friends. But do you really need to take this stance? This list was originally 20 points long, and I realized I just didn’t need to share them all. They would probably cause more controversy and confusion and division then they would cause thinking and healing and edification. Editing yourself is a powerful tool. We won’t ever get the balance perfect but we should strive to talk less, and smile, I mean listen, more.
While it’s easy to decide what other’s actions mean to you, rarely if ever do they mean what we think to those individuals. It’s nearly impossible to identify the motives of others. It is pretty unreasonable when we assume we can pinpoint other’s motives and often leads to greater misunderstanding when we try. Sometimes it is best to just ask someone why they did what they did.
Compromise is central to unity. Only toddlers and prima donnas demand their way on everything. And toddlers do it because they are still trying to make sense of their place in this world. Compromise is glue for any relationship; including the relationships of a community, congregation or nation.
Delivery services from Amazon to Butcher Box are awesome.
My goal has always been to raise adults, not kids, ever since I heard Julie Lythcott Haims promote the idea. ( https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/how-to-raise-an-adult) This year my kiddos have proven by the grace of God to have grown into those expectations with the independence and tenacity they have shown in distance learning. I am very proud of them.
Positivity can in fact be toxic. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-man-cave/201908/toxic-positivity-dont-always-look-the-bright-side?amp
I value consistency and routine more than I realized.
Conversely, I take the privilege of being able to go where I want, when I want for granted.
Despite books and seminars and articles on the topic, it’s still really hard for people to respect the boundaries of others.
Just because God is in control doesn’t mean my life will feel under control. In John chapter 11 we have the story of Lazarus’s death. His sisters Mary and Martha are pretty pointed when they confront Jesus upon his arrival, both telling Him that Lazarus would not have died if he had shown up sooner. And yet, that wasn’t God’s plan. He showed up in His timing for “God’s glory” (verse 4). Life for most of 2020 felt very much out of my control which is a feeling frankly I am not used to because I strive for control. But the control I think I have is really an illusion. And if I truly want to walk in faith, I must be comfortable letting go of that sense of control and be able to sincerely say, “not my will but Yours.”
2020 was a year I would like not to repeat. And as my pastor joked I am hoping for nothing but precedented things for the remainder of 2021. Yet, the next 12 months might be just as challenging and maybe even more so. Regardless of what the year brings may I still say with increased authenticity, “Not my will but Yours Lord Jesus.”
