Why do you ask for help?
Why do you ask for help?
The other day, I was listening to Andy Stanley’s leadership podcast as he talked about the enneagram. The enneagram is a personality typing system, similar to the Myers-Briggs, True Colors or numerous others. He was talking about how each number (or personality) of the enneagram has a unique way of viewing the world and sometimes we assume everyone else has a similar perspective or experience to our view or perspective. As a 1 (a perfectionist), Andy has a critical voice that frequently tears apart every talk he gives. As he shared this with the guest on the podcast he explained that he assumed everyone had a similar experience and a similar critical voice but was surprised to discover that’s not the case for everyone. This revelation for Andy made me wonder what perspectives I had that were unique to me and my personality type.
Fast forward a week later. I find myself frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed because of the number of people asking me for things. When people constantly make requests it feels like criticism to me. Like, am I not doing enough? And then it hit me, maybe my reaction to folks asking things of me is tied to my personality, my own unique perspective on the world.
So, I started contemplating what makes me ask for help? What leads me to make requests of others? And I quickly boiled it down to three main reasons, all of which seem to fall in line with my enneagram type.
I am an 8 on the enneagram. Eights are independent and go-getters who are known for being decisive and assertive. The 8 is often referred to as The Challenger. So what makes this type 8 ask for help?
I think you are the best person for the job.
I will ask for your help if your unique wiring and talents will mean you will do a better job than me on an important task. Rarely if ever will I invite you into mundane activities that I can do myself. I will not delegate things I am capable of doing just fine, unless it is stealing time from a far more important activity that only I can do (see reason two) or unless it’s your responsibility anyhow (see reason three). If not, I’ll just buckle down and invest the time and get both the important and the routine done myself, thank you very much. So if I ask for your help, congrats! It is likely that I consider you a trustworthy person with a level of expertise that I value and admire!
2. I’m in desperate need of help.
My capacity for work is higher than average. Eights are known for being extremely industrious. I can often accomplish things faster than the average person (but never as fast as I would like.) However, even hard-working high-capacity eights have a limit. I don’t like admitting I have limits, so if I ask for your help, it might be a sign of desperation. However, you should feel honored that I trust you in that minute of vulnerability. Asking for help doesn’t make me feel great about myself, and I won’t share that weakness with just anyone.
3. I don’t think you are pulling your weight.
One other reason I might ask you for help, is if I think you are not doing your job. I may not have the authority to tell you what to do, so instead I will ask you to help me out and do the-thing-I-already-think-you-should-be-doing-anyhow-because-it’s-your-responsibility-and-you-haven’t-done-it-in-a-timely-fashion. In other words, it’s my way of calling you out, without being directly confrontational. (Although eights--like myself--won’t have a problem with confrontation if it’s necessary.) So sometimes I am asking for your help because (gulp) I don’t think you are doing enough.
And then, there it was, staring me in the face. I assumed people were asking me for help because they don’t think I’m doing enough because that’s what I do! But, that’s probably not why other people ask for help! Other people don’t have my hang-ups about being weak, or the need for independence or the judgement that often comes with me asking for help. And with that realization, I gained a bit more perspective on why I have such a visceral reaction when folks ask for my assistance.
So what’s my takeaway? What did I learn?
People (probably) aren’t judging me (or you) when asking for help.
We all need help from time to time. And growth takes community, so I should learn to ask for help before I am desperate. And perhaps people aren’t “pulling their weight” because there is other stuff going on in their lives and by asking sooner for help I can be more understanding and sympathetic of their situations. Then perhaps I will not feel as offended when I don’t get the help I ask for as quickly as I expected.
So, what about you?
Why do you ask for help? Better yet, what perspectives do you have about the world that you assume are universal and actually might be unique to your personality and wiring? I’d love to hear what you think! So comment below or drop me a line!
If you are interested in knowing more about the enneagram, I highly recommend the book The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery, by Ian Morgan Cron.
If you’d like to have me come share with your group more about this topic or about leadership, strategic planning or living out your authentic vision or calling, check out my website https://www.rebeccaguerrerotalks.com or email me at rebeccaguerrerotalks@gmail.com
