Love Unboxed
Recently I had the opportunity to speak on love at a local church. They were looking at key ideas in Scripture or in our faith where we might be “boxed in” or where our understanding had been limited. I had the chance to look at how we as people of faith have boxed in love. Here is a blog based on my sermon.
Love. It's foundational in our human existence that throughout time humans have sung songs about it, composed poems, plays, movies and paintings and all sorts of artistic representations of the mystery and beauty and wonders of love.
And yet this idea that is so central to who we are and our existence as people is probably one of the things we get confused, mixed up and misunderstand the most.
Or simply consider the way we use the word love.
We say we love pizza and we love our partner
We love our mom and we love movies
We love Christmas and we love our kids.
It’s pretty evident that our understanding of love misses the mark or at the very least is incomplete.
Why is it so important we get this right?
I John 4:8 tells us,
“ But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
In John 13:34-35 Jesus tells his followers,
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
In Matthew 22 a group of religious leaders get together with the intent on trying to trick Jesus. To catch him in saying something heretical or something that would decrease His popularity. While Jesus was well admired among the average folks of His day, the religious leaders of His time were NOT signing up for His fan club. Now this particular group of religious leaders who came to Jesus at the end of Matthew 22 were called the Pharisees. They had heard that their frenemies the Sadducees had just been burned and put in their place by Jesus so they decided it was their turn to try and put this Jesus guy in check. They approach Jesus and some poor dude who probably drew the short straw or something was pushed forward to pose this question, found in verse 36.“
Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Now this would have been a shocking perspective for most Jews of the day but especially the Pharisees. By some counts they had compiled a list of over 600 laws in addition to the 10 Commandments based on their reading and interpretation of the Old Testament. For the Pharisees following these rules and their detail was extremely important.
Then Jesus comes along. He doesn’t negate the laws but basically says, “guys you are missing the point. These rules aren’t about the rules themselves! The rules are really all about two key central principles. One, love God. Two, love people. All the other rules and commandments are derivatives of and secondary to these two key ideas.”
A few years ago in a sermon on love Andy Stanley pointed out that this focus on others was a distinguishing characteristic of Christianity. The Pharisees model of religion, like most religions, focused on following rules to get you right with God. They focused on getting you right with the Creator through regulation. “Jesus's model is centered on the you beside you.”
Jesus asks, how are you treating others? Are you loving others like you love yourself? Do you treat others in a way that shows them care and concern? Jesus doesn’t say the rules don’t matter, He just reminds the Pharisees and us that by loving God and loving others ALL the other commandments will be fulfilled.
And while there are lots of other verses on love just those three passages alone convince me that our understanding and application of love is mission critical for us as followers of Jesus. As people of faith we need to be intentional about aligning our thinking with that of Jesus on this topic of love.
Scripture is full of verses about love and perhaps the most recognized verse on love in the whole Bible is this one.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
So I am a bit of a nerd. For example, I am a 100% certified Disney-nerd. I am a board-game geek. And I love Star Wars. Not just a little but enough that I recently took a vacation with my Star Wars loving family and friends to the Galactic Starcruiser.
Yup there we are in all our nerdy dressed up glory. In case you are not familiar with this totally geeky experience, basically it's a hotel where for two days you get to pretend you live in the Star Wars universe. So you dress up, you interact with characters, you take on the empire. Yeah, I am that big a nerd.
Now as part of my Star Wars fandom, I also adore the TV show the Mandalorian. Which is a show on Disney+ about a group of beings from the planet Mandalor whose most famous representative is a bounty hunter named Boba Fett. Now if you too are a fan of the Mandalorian, you will get why I got super stoked about a different translation of John 3:16. If not, I’ll explain it in a minute. In the NET John 3:16 reads as follows,
“For THIS IS THE WAY God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”
For those of you not yet tracking with me, the phrase “This is the Way '' represents the creed, the laser-like focus on their mission for the people of Mandalore. It summarizes completely their approach to how they live their lives. The gift of Jesus, God’s one and only Son is not a way God loved us, it's THE WAY God loved us. Full stop.
So, how do we as Christians who are supposed to be known for our love imitate and reflect THE WAY God loved us? How do we love people who are easy to love and how do we love people who are hard to love - as ambassadors of a Savior who did just that? Where have we allowed society to define love for us? Or where have we become confused about what love really is because our language is so simple that we use the word love to describe our feelings toward french fries, and family and friends? Where have we limited our love because we are not sure if someone is worth it or worth it in the moment?
Very little of what you read below will feel new. But perhaps it will require us to do some mental unpacking because you have placed love in a box and limited it due to the influence of culture and convenience. If love is supposed to be our defining characteristic and love for others our second most important commandment, you must ask yourself, “how can I love better?” And, “where have I allowed my understanding of love to become limited or boxed in?”
Love isn’t a feeling.
One way we box in love is by describing it as a feeling. Love is so much more.
Probably not an earth shattering thought, and yet not something we always remember in the ways we speak and act. We still talk about being “in love.” We focus on how we feel about others and less on what we do.
Best selling author, lawyer and advocate Bob Goff puts it this way in his book Love Does,
“Love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does.”
If you are not familiar with Bob Goff he lives the kind of life most of us only dream about. He’s traveled the world, in part because of his work as a lawyer and in part because of his advocacy but also because he had his kids write every country in the CIA World Factbook and ask for meetings with their head of state. In the end, over 25 leaders invited them to their respective countries. They went without an agenda, to hear what these various world leaders had to say about hope. To show them love by listening.
Now, you can often find Bob Goff, whose children are grown, holding office hours at Disneyland on Tom Sawyer’s island - because why not. And Goff is known for putting his phone number, his actual cell number in his books so he can be present for his readers - because love is in fact a verb.
Love is not burdensome to others
As a teacher I like to travel during the summer. And fortunately my husband and two daughters have so far acquiesced and let me pretty much dictate where we are going. And with the exception of one major hiccup our recent trip to the east coast was practically problem free. Now that doesn’t mean our travel was perfect. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make these vacations go smoothly and I create detailed spreadsheets towards that end. The fact that we were traveling with other folks including our parents and another family turned the pressure dial up a few notches. At one point after giving some instructions to my husband on our plan for the next day that were not clear I found myself saying, “why can’t you just read my mind and know what I meant instead of what I said?”
Like the logical part of my brain knew that made zero sense even as I uttered the words. What I was doing was demanding to be loved, Not in a healthy sort of way but in a pushy “what’s in it for me” kinda way.
Paul in his letter to the Corinthians reminds us of all the other ways we can be demanding in the name of “love.” In chapter 13 he tells the Corinthians,
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
When we make love about what we can get out of it, what others owe us and place burdens on them for what it looks like, the very traps Paul warns us about are the boxes we find ourselves in. We get proud, we get boastful, we keep records of wrong. But Jesus’s love is not burdensome to others.
Love is not cheap
Perhaps you've seen the posters or T-shirts that say “throw kindness around like confetti.” It’s a nice sentiment meant to express that we should be generous with our kindness. But in many ways that attitude cheapens kindness a.k.a. Love. Confetti is cheap. It’s just cut up paper, inexpensive trash really. But love, true love is anything but cheap. Showing love is about granting kindness not to those who are deserving or who we like but showing kindness to those who are difficult to love or to those we may think don’t deserve it. True love will cost you. It will require sacrifice. That’s exactly the kind of love God provided us. It cost Jesus His life and was paid while we were yet sinners, undeserving of love by any human standards.
Before He went to the cross Jesus shared with his followers the nature of loving like God in the sermon on the mount. In Matthew 5: 43-47 he said -
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
Jesus knew that true love is not easy to throw around because the love He gave cost Him everything. And while I don't think God is calling most of us to be martyrs, I do wonder if we have forgotten just how expensive a love we are called to model. I wonder if because of boxes and walls we have built around ourselves if we have built a version of love in our own image - instead of a love that reflects an image of God. A version of love that doesn't require sacrifice and doesn't cost us much or even inconvenience us. A counterfeit love that does not represent the love of our Savior.
Love isn’t giving people whatever they want
How many of you are familiar with the movie Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? And no I don’t mean Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the cheap rip-off of the Gene Wilder masterpiece I mean the Original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Ok, actually no matter which version you are familiar with you have witnessed the downside to parenting where kids get whatever they want. In the movie, young Charlie wins a trip to Wonka’s candy company. There he runs into a bunch of other kids who seemingly get whatever they want. Augustus Gloop is a kid who is allowed to eat whatever he wants. Veruca Salt can buy whatever she wants. Mike Teevee can watch whatever he wants and Violet Beauregarde can take whatever she wants. In the name of “love“ these kids' parents have never uttered the word no. Yet never saying no to a kid or anyone is not love, despite what culture may tell us.
Now there are some guidelines here,
Ephesians 4:15, reads, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Often we use this verse to justify our criticism of others.
Have you ever said, “I don’t mean to offend you but….?” (Guilty as charged!) Chances are the words that followed were words that tore down instead of build up.
But the passage and the rest of Ephesians chapter 4 is pretty clear that we should speak truth, in love - to cultivate growth in others. So true love doesn’t just give-in to a person’s every demand, it guides people to become more Christlike -both by what we say and what we do. Doing this well requires a lot of discernment but is a requirement of love that is unboxed.
Love isn’t convenient
Much has been said in recent years about boundaries. Boundaries in any relationship are important. But there is a world of difference between boundaries that protect our spirit and key relationships and borders and boxes that protect our convenience.
Philippians 2:3-4 says,
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Have the boundaries we have set become boxes that limit us in how we show love?
A few years ago some friends of ours were on vacation driving to WDW. They made it to Arizona and their car died. After a few texts back and forth we realized that their other perfectly good car was parked at home and that they were planning to drive all the way back with their three young children to retrieve it. We said, you know what, we will save you that headache and drive the car to you. And that’s what we did.
Fast forward 6 months. It was our turn to go to WDW and we were flying. As I walked our dogs one last time before we headed to the airport I got a notification on my phone that the first leg of our flight had been canceled because of weather. We found a flight out of Las Vegas and those dear friends drove us to McCarran Airport to catch our plane.
Those weren’t particularly convenient trips but these are nice folks so it was not challenging to want to drive to Arizona for them. And I am guessing they were glad to return the favor. But what about when it's not convenient? We are called to love folks as if they are better than ourselves and yet in the name of boundaries many of us have chosen to be selfish over choosing love because it wasn’t in our own interest. True love requires sacrifice and isn’t convenient.
Love isn’t distant
As a school teacher the 20/21 school year was rough. For most of us here in California, especially at the secondary level the entire school year was online. As teachers, preachers and educators of all sorts will tell you there's a relational part to teaching. We have catchy sayings to represent this idea “like people don't care about how much you know until they know how much you care.” And sharing that we care was more than a bit challenging through a screen. It was almost impossible to communicate genuine concern let alone read if students were picking up what I was dropping across the digital divide. Some experts believe that it will take students who experienced extended school closures as many as five years to catch-up. Simply put there is very little that can replicate the beauty and community and authentic learning and care of a classroom. And yet even as older and more sophisticated as adults, our need for authentic face to face community to spur growth and development is just as real. True love is lived out in our presence in the lives of others.
This is Daisy. Last week, this old girl at 16 and half years old was ready to say goodbye to this world. A few days before, while we were still on vacation, Daisy stopped eating and her arthritic hind legs said no more. And yet once we were able to get to her to try and seek medical help to either ease her pain or end her suffering we could not find a vet within miles that was taking patients. Some friends of ours found out about our struggles and started calling vets themselves and found a place we could take her, ultimately making it possible for Daisy to not suffer any more.
Simply put, they showed up.
This is the personification of Romans 12:15 when we are challenged to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Where are you being called to show up? In the last few years we have replaced flesh and blood human interactions with digital ones. And while these may have been a valid temporary solution or great in a pinch I wonder if we have become over reliant on them. If Jesus, the Word through which ALL things were made, became flesh and dwelt among us as THE WAY of showing us love instead of solving the problem of sin from heaven, I think we should be present in the lives of others to love them well too. How can we love friends, family or the people God has placed in our path to share the good news of Jesus with unless we are physically present? How can you authentically love the “you beside you” from afar? Where are you being called to engage or reengage with your time and presence so you can love like Jesus?
Love that is unboxed is challenging. It will require the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Where do you need to love this week in ways that are expensive or inconvenient? Where do you need to be present or less demanding? Because this is THE WAY Jesus loved us.
